It so funny, I was talking to a friend of mine and I was telling him about some of the things that I was doing and that I am planning to do and with a low tone he asked “Is everything okay? It sounds like you are checking off a bucket list”? LMBO!!!! I couldn’t help but laugh!!!!
So let me explain….. When I was younger, if it wasn’t something reckless or had something to do with women, money, or partying, I had no desire to do it! That was my definition of FUN! And that didn’t change until about a year into my first marriage.
When the change did take place it was drastic, I dropped 3 of the 4 and it became all about business, personal development and being at home with my family. I worked sometimes 16 hour days and when I wasn’t working I was either reading, at church, or researching ways to build my business. THAT WAS IT!
My focus on building something and not being the person I “use to be” became a coping mechanism by way of obsession. I had reasoned if I am so focused on business and personal development then I could not turn back. If I stay away from all of my old friends and not leave the house, I was safe from my own destruction. I couldn’t cheat if didn’t leave the house! There would be no club fights that I so use to love, in my living room.
My mantra became NO SACRIFICE, NO VICTORY! (I even went as far as getting it tattooed on my chest!) I thought by me not indulging in any activities other than work and learning, I would reach a level of success faster. So I sacrificed all happiness, that’s what I had been told REAL MEN WHO WANT TO SUCCEED DO! That coupled with my fear of reverting back to my old self-fueled my every decision.
I had redefined myself from the Wild Out King who can get any chick that he wanted, (self-appointed definition lol) that loved to fight and drink, TO a businessman, father, husband, and intellectual.
And underneath I was so proud of the person I had become! The strides that I had made to better who I was as a person. However, there was something missing! and although books, business, and learning were great things, I never redefined FUN. I never really looked at what provided me joy.
I really thought I was doing the right thing! And even after my divorce when most people are going out to have FUN I was not! I assumed the same posture of being stuck in the house working day in and day out with very few friends but this time:
It was out desperation to regain what I had lost.
It was to avoid that feeling you get when you can’t afford something.
It was out of fear of being judged for not having it all together.
It was out of fear of getting a taste of the previous lifestyle and turning back. A way of protecting Adrian from Adrian so to speak!
So that is what my Living Again Experiences are all about! Me finding the things that bring me joy! Finding the very things that make me happy. The things that get my adrenaline pumping, the things that provide me with a safe escape from my mind and work. To bring happiness into my life that has nothing to do with how much money is in my pocket OR who I am in a relationship with OR where I live!
They are about Thrill, Excitement, Peace and Happiness!
They are about living life to the fullest! I don’t think anyone will ever lay in their death bed consumed with the car they never had or the house they never bought, I believe we will lay there wishing we had LIVED and LOVED MORE!!!