After many months of mentally going back and forth with the idea, I finally decided to go see a doctor. I had gotten to the point where I didn’t have any motivation for anything and all I wanted to do was sleep. As a child, I was diagnosed with ADHD and coupled with all the things that were going on in my head, it had gotten significantly worse .
My mind kept playing scenarios over and over again, darting from one place to the next and I cannot stay focused on one task to save my life. The straw that broke the camel’s back, crazy thoughts had begun to consume me, I knew it was time to seek some sort of help.
It seems every since my divorce 6 years I had been in a slump. And being closed off to the world doesn’t help that at all. And even though I knew what the real problem was, I kept trying to find ways to remedy the issue’s myself. Going to the doctor seemed to be my only option at this point because it was clear to me that my depression was REAL.
I just wanted to get back place of happiness that has alluded me for the last couple of years.
So I set up the appointment! I entered the office and begin telling the therapist everything that was going on with me it, and my history. After about 20 minutes he had his diagnosis.
“It seems to me, giving what you told me and your family history you suffer from clinical depression and ADHD.”
Well, I know that Doc, How do we fix it? So the doctor gave me 3 suggestions:
- Of course, Medicine
- Counseling and Medicine
I told the doc about me beginning to read books on happiness, daily reading of the Bible and prayer and the men’s group that I had recently joined, he commended me on taking the right steps towards coping with my issues then told me he would like to see me go on meds and perform consulting at the same time.
Out of desperation, I agreed to the Meds.
However, when I got home the decision just didn’t sit right with me. And over the next two days, I went back and forth with the idea of taking this medicine. On the third day, the problem hit me like a ton of bricks and helped me realize why I was having such a struggle with taking it!
The first reason, I realized I was only depressed because I keep focusing on depressing things and not focusing on my blessings!!!! I keep playing every problem in my head over and over again. I keep thinking about how people have treated me, I keep focusing on shortcomings, past failures, and past mistakes!
The problem was not depression as much as it was how I had programmed my mind to dwell on issues, pain, frustrations and negativity.
The second reason, I had a problem taking the medicine was because I don’t like to win by any other scenario other than winning. I rather lose knowing I lost rather than winning knowing I cheated.
Let me explain, if I’m playing football and I run a touchdown but I stepped out of bounds I’d rather the touchdown be called back, then take the points. It would drive me crazy to have won by any other means but skill. I would constantly battle with the thought that maybe my skill level wasn’t good enough to have scored without stepping out of bounds.
And that is what the medicine is to me “It’s me stepping out of bounds.” It’s me looking for a way to cheat the system. It’s me getting over without learning the skills to live a happy life. It’s me allowing myself to become dependent on something, for something, that GOD promised me. HAPPINESS!
So I called the doctor back and declined the MEDS!!! I will take the consulting to learn more about myself and how to cope but I CAN’T take the Meds without exhausting all other options.