When I began this journey two things were apparently clear to me, I was ANGRY and I was FRUSTRATED.
So as began to examine some of the reasons why I immediately I was holding grudges against others that were constantly running through my head.
There were two people I had held the most animosity towards. I won’t go into the why it’s completely irrelevant at this point. So I picked up the phone and decided to reach out. Not in the “I’m going to give them a piece of my mind” way but just to tell them how I felt, get it off of my chest, and apologize for talking ill of them.
The call was completely sincere! I wasn’t attempting to be negative in any way. There weren’t any ulterior motives behind it! I wasn’t trying to breed a sense of guilt in them. I honestly just wanted to let them know how I felt and apologize.
I had come to the conclusion, I can not control the actions of others and just because they chose to treat me a certain way didn’t give me the right to treat them the same. I also realized that part of my frustration with them was actually frustration and anger with myself.
Frustrated and angry that I placed myself in a situation where I had to hold my tongue.
Frustrated and angry that I had let them get to me.
So I decide to release them! I decide to get rid of the toxic waste that I had allowed myself to hold to me and immediately after I hung up the phone I felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. It felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted from spirit. I could literally feel my level of anxiety begin to subside.
Truthfully, if the cared about my apology or not I could care less. IT WASN’T JUST FOR THEM, IT WAS FOR ME AS WELL!!! It was for my peace, my personal growth, my stretch towards MY HAPPINESS!
A day or so later I began to research the effects of holding on to grudges and what are the benefits of forgiveness. I read a couple of scriptures in the bible and then I came across an article on Mayo Clinic’s website that gave several benefits of releasing grudges and forgiving others.
For years I have been holding onto those grudges. Over the course of that time, those grudges had begun to fester and grow inside of me. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt they have been the cause of much of anxiety, stress, and hostility.
And by releasing them, I released myself! It’s funny how you can hear something and never really understand it until you fully internalize it. I have heard and seen the quote “Holding on to grudges is like drinking poison and expect the other person to die million times” but only after really feeling the death that was inside of me do I now fully understand it.